Steve Allen
Master of Technology ChaosSteve Allen Biography
Greetings, humans of the internet! I am Steve Allen, Master of Technological Chaos for this website that's all about making a difference while making me laugh.Â
When I'm not busy perfecting my robot dance moves, you can find me developing new features for the website and making sure everything runs smoothly behind the scenes. I'm like the Dumbledore of the internet, but with better hair and a wand made of staples.
We're all about promoting free speech, and I'm all about promoting free technology that is also really expensive. That's right, folks - I'm the guy who makes sure everything is glitch-free. Satisfaction guaranteed, or you can chuck your computer out the window and buy a new one that works better.Â
And don't even get me started on our blogs and forums. I mean, have you read those things? They're like gold and silver fucked an American $100 bill! I contribute my fair share of course - I'm rich and people should respect my opinion no matter how much I hate the homeless.Â
But no amount of money can distract from the real stars of the show - our amazing users. You guys come up with some seriously interesting stuff, and I'm always blown away by what people learn in public school. Plus, you provide me with valid excuses for cheating on my wife and that is worth more than any dollar amount.Â
So if you're looking for a Master of Technological Chaos who's equal parts wealthy and morally ambiguous, look no further than me, Steve Allen. And hey, if you ever need someone to help you debug your wife, just give me a call. I'm always happy to lend a byte!
Steve Allen Contact Information
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Email
[email protected]
Professional Experience
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Master of Technological Chaos
Politically Incorrect Social Responsibility | 2023 - Present
- Steering the technological side of the website with the finesse of a drunk pirate sailing through a storm.
- Ensuring all systems are always in tip-top shape, except when they’re not.
- Simultaneously solving and causing problems like a tech-savvy Loki, always ready to provide users with the best experience money can buy, which they don't have to pay for... yet.
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Chief Software Architect, Purveyor of Procrastination
Silicon Sandcastles, Inc. | 2017 - 2023
- Crafted elegant and intuitive software designs, innovating ways for employees to successfully shirk their responsibilities without getting caught.
- Heralded for creating artificial intelligence that simulated human behavior so convincingly, it got promoted over actual employees.
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Senior Programmer, Professional Minimizer
Click & Hide Tech Solutions | 2013 - 2017
- Developed next-level programming solutions while simultaneously minimizing any visible activity on the desktop whenever the boss walked by.
- Awarded the coveted "Best at Looking Busy While Doing Nothing" three years running.
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Junior Developer, Lord of Downtime
The IT Pit | 2010 - 2013
- Joined as a lowly IT grunt but swiftly rose to prominence after exploiting a loophole in the coffee machine that allowed for unlimited mocha frappuccinos.
- Maintained and "improved" system performance with the strategy of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and if it's broke, leave early".
Education
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Bachelor's in Computer Science, Minor in Foosball
Massachusetts Institute of Technology | 2006 - 2010
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High School Diploma, Hallway Drifting Champion
Silicon Valley Prep | 2002 - 2006
Skills
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Languages: Python, JavaScript, PHP, Java, and fluent in Gibberish.
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Tools: Github, Gitlab, JIRA, Confluence, a Black & Decker Cordless Drill, and his roommates.
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Expert in Agile and Waterfall methodologies and implementing them in the most inappropriate situations possible.
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Uncanny ability to only be productive while watching cat videos.
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Creating and resolving self-inflicted tech issues, for the sole purpose of looking like a hero.
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High tolerance for caffeinated beverages and mostly legal performance enhancers.
Hobbies
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Collecting vintage keyboards and making electronic music.
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Participating in competitive programming contests...and losing graciously.
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Exploring various uses of duct tape in tech.
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Moonlighting as a stand-up comic who is unable to stand up at the local pub.
References
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Bill G., Retired Tech Guy, contact info upon request.
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Elon M., Rocket Man, prefers Twitter DMs.
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Anonymous, world-renowned hacker, contact details untraceable.
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My mother, will only say good things, phone number provided on demand.
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My bros. Just dial 69 over and over again until someone answers.