PETA Boldly Declares All Zoo Animals to Go Vegan, Lions Eye Zookeepers Suspiciously

By: Susan Cesar-Ranch

In a twist that’s got my whiskers twitching more than spotting a new brand of catnip at the pet store, PETA’s gone and declared they’re gonna switch all zoo critters to a vegan chow-down fest. Imagine, darlings, a world where our fierce feline cousins are nibbling on kale instead of chomping on steaks. It’s like finding a mouse in your slippers – unexpected and a tad unsettling, but oddly intriguing.

I Can’t Eat That

This scheme, as wildly hopeful as my dreams of a world where every day is Caturday, has the smarty-pants in lab coats scratching their noggins. “Well, butter my biscuit,” a flabbergasted animal expert muttered, “we might just see bears cozying up with a cup of soy chai and wolves snacking on bean sprouts. It’s a curious time for those with a penchant for peculiar diets.”

PETA, bless their hearts, with their full-throttle drive for critter comfort, seems to have missed a teeny detail in their big plan: our meat-loving pals in the animal kingdom do adore their carnivorous fare. A spokesperson for the group, as unfazed by Mother Nature’s menu as a cat ignoring a brand new toy, proclaimed, “If we can teach Fluffy to fetch, surely we can get a tiger to take a fancy to a plump, ripe… turnip.” There was a pause there, long enough to make you think they hadn’t quite thought the whole thing through.

Zookeeper Looks Like Next Meal

Zookeepers from sea to shining sea are wringing their hands, especially those who tend to the big cats. “Breaking it to the lions is gonna be like telling Garfield he’s on a diet,” one caretaker confessed, eyeing the pride like they were deciding whether he was more appetizer or entrée. “Those glares they’re giving me are making me feel quite the snack.”

As this tale unfurls, like a cat unraveling a ball of yarn, the globe watches to see the fallout from this grand experiment in diet swapping. Will PETA manage to turn our predatory pals into peace-loving leaf-eaters, or is this just another case of humans getting too big for their britches? Time will spill the beans, but for now, it looks like the zoo gang should start getting a hankering for hummus.