Environmentalists Outraged as City Decides to Replace Trees with Billboards

In a move that’s got the environmentalist cats meowing up the wrong tree, the city of Chicago has decided to replace its quaint, oxygen-producing trees with the bee’s knees of modern advertising: towering billboards. “Trees are old hat, see? Billboards make way more money and even kind of look like trees if you’re half blind,” stated ex-Mayor Lori Lightfoot at a recent press conference. “I began planning this transformation when I held office, and I’m glad to see Brandon Johnson follow through with my vision.”

This decision follows a study by the Clearly Commercial Council (CCC), which claims, “Billboards can increase happiness by 150% because nothing says ‘cheer up, toots’ like a giant soda ad.” Dr. Anthony Fauci, who was made head of the CCC after his excellent role in making sure the public didn’t freak out about the COVID-19 pandemic, assured us, “Our research is solid, but we are not where we need to be if we are going to quote ‘live with the marketing.’”

The Environmentalist Protesting

Environmental groups, however, are in a tizzy, with the leader of Chicagoland Environmental Network (CEN), Ivy Green, stating, “This is the berries! I mean, I love berries. Hmm. This is the most terriblist thing ever! We need trees for breathing, not billboards for breezing through sales!”

Politicians: We Modernizing

But the city is standing firm, with plans to install some billboards showcasing nature scenes. “It’s the perfect compromise; we can make tons of money while sharing all the beauty of nature without the pesky leaves,” quipped a city official.