Universities Solve Israel-Palestine Conflict by Arresting Dozens of Student Protesters

In a bold move to resolve the long-standing Israel-Palestine conflict, universities across the United States have taken the ingenious step of arresting dozens of their own students for participating in protests related to the issue. The unprecedented wave of campus protest crackdowns has swept the nation, from the hallowed halls of the Ivy League to the sun-drenched quads of California.

Mass Arrests Restore Peace in the Middle East

From coast to coast, throngs of students have taken to the streets, plazas, and academic buildings of their campuses to voice their opinions on the Israel-Gaza war. In response, universities and law enforcement have deployed a brilliant strategy: rounding up and arresting as many protesters as possible. At last count, the tally of arrested students had reached well into thousands, a figure that is sure to bring a swift resolution to the decades-old conflict.

University Administrators: “We Stand for Free Speech, Unless You Actually Use It”

University administrators have been quick to justify the mass arrests, insisting that they fully support free speech on campus, as long as students don’t actually exercise that right. “We believe in fostering a diverse and inclusive environment where all perspectives are welcome,” said one high-ranking official, “but if you express those perspectives too loudly or in an unauthorized location, we’ll have no choice but to call in the riot police.”

Law enforcement agencies have also defended their actions, with one officer stating, “Sure, these students may think they’re standing up for human rights and social justice, but the real way to solve complex geopolitical issues is by locking up a bunch of 20-year-olds with homemade signs.”

PISR Founder Weighs In

Elongated Muskrat, the eccentric billionaire founder of PISR, had this to say about the campus protest crackdowns: “I’ve always believed that the best way to promote free speech is by saying that I believe in free speech except when authorities say certain speech shouldn’t be free. These universities are doing a fantastic job of teaching students the most important lesson of all: conform or face the consequences!”

As the arrests continue to mount, it’s becoming increasingly clear that the key to resolving the Israel-Palestine conflict lies not in diplomacy, negotiation, or humanitarian aid, but in the swift and merciless suppression of any college student who dares to voice an opinion on the matter. With this foolproof strategy, peace in the Middle East is surely just around the corner.

Conclusion

So there you have it, folks. The solution to one of the world’s most intractable conflicts has been right under our noses all along: just keep arresting college kids until they’re too afraid to speak out. Who needs nuanced discourse and critical thinking when you’ve got handcuffs and pepper spray? Remember, when it comes to campus protest crackdowns, the beatings will continue until morale improves.