Joyce Meyer's 'Prosperity Gospel Fitness Plan': Flex Your Faith, Fatten Your Wallet

Joyce Meyer’s ‘Prosperity Gospel Fitness Plan’: Flex Your Faith, Fatten Your Wallet

Televangelist Joyce Meyer has taken the fitness world by storm with her revolutionary ‘Prosperity Gospel Fitness Plan.’ Now, believers can tone their bodies while fattening their bank accounts, all in the name of the Lord.

Spiritual Squats: Lowering Yourself to Raise Your Bank Balance

The cornerstone of Meyer’s program is the “Spiritual Squat.” For each repetition, participants must lower themselves while simultaneously raising their wallets to the heavens. “The lower you go, the higher your blessings will soar,” Meyer explains.

The Tithing Treadmill: Run Towards Riches

No workout is complete without cardio. The “Tithing Treadmill” allows believers to literally run towards prosperity. The faster you run, the more you’re encouraged to donate. “It’s not about the money,” Meyer insists, “it’s about the velocity of your faith.”

A treadmill with a built-in tithing box and a digital display showing "Miles Run" and "Blessings Received" in dollar amounts

Testimonials from Spiritually Swole Believers

Sarah Gullibleson, a devoted follower, gushes, “I’ve lost 20 pounds and gained a new car! Praise be to the Prosperity Gospel Fitness Plan!”

Joyce Meyer herself boasts, “With our program, you’ll be fit enough to carry all the wealth God wants to bless you with. Remember, Jesus had abs of steel and a heart of gold!”

March E. Tellerman, Master of Marketing Madness at PISR, couldn’t contain his enthusiasm: “Holy moneybags, Batman! This prosperity gospel fitness plan is wilder than a preacher at a cash register convention! It’s like they’ve taken the concept of ‘sweat equity’ and baptized it in a pool of dollar bills. I wouldn’t be surprised if they start selling holy water sports drinks and communion wafer protein bars next!”

A group fitness class in a church, with participants doing bicep curls using Bibles while a pastor shouts motivational scriptures about wealth

As Joyce Meyer’s ‘Prosperity Gospel Fitness Plan’ gains traction, one can’t help but wonder: Is this the future of faith-based fitness, or just another sign that we’re all sprinting on a treadmill to spiritual bankruptcy? Either way, salvation has never been so lucrative… or had such great abs.