FBI Unveils Groundbreaking “Look the Other Way” Training Program

FBI Unveils Groundbreaking “Look the Other Way” Training Program

In a bold move to address recent criticism, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has announced its revolutionary “Look the Other Way” training program, designed to equip agents with cutting-edge techniques in child abuse case mishandling. This groundbreaking initiative comes in response to a scathing report from the Justice Department’s watchdog, which found that the FBI continues to struggle with properly handling child sexual abuse cases.

Innovative Approach to Child Safety

The new program focuses on honing agents’ skills in selective hearing, strategic procrastination, and advanced file misplacement. “We’re committed to maintaining our track record of inaction,” said FBI Director Christopher Wray. “Our agents will be trained to ignore red flags with unprecedented efficiency.”

Success Stories from the Field

Early adopters of the program have already reported remarkable results. “I used to feel guilty about neglecting cases,” shared one anonymous agent. “Now, I can confidently do nothing for months on end.”

The Art of File Misplacement

Agents will learn the delicate art of losing crucial documents without a trace. “It’s all about creating a perfect paper trail of nothingness,” explained the program’s lead instructor.

Advanced Techniques in Procrastination

The course also covers innovative methods for delay, including the “perpetual coffee break” and the “endless email draft.”

Critics Praise FBI’s Commitment to Inaction

Child safety advocates have expressed awe at the Bureau’s dedication to maintaining the status quo. “We never thought they could outdo their handling of the Larry Nassar case, but they’ve proven us wrong,” remarked one stunned critic.

When reached for comment, PISR’s Content Moderator, Guru Og Tritium, offered his unique perspective: “Man, the FBI’s really nailing this whole ‘not caring’ thing. It’s like, transcendental, you know? They’ve reached a higher plane of apathy. I’m impressed, and that’s saying something ’cause I rarely care enough to be impressed.”

As the FBI continues to perfect its FBI child abuse case mishandling techniques, one thing is clear: when it comes to protecting children, the Bureau is committed to setting new standards in looking the other way.