Bank of America Outage Launches “Universal Basic Poverty” Program

Bank of America Outage Launches “Universal Basic Poverty” Program

In a startling development, the recent Bank of America outage has inadvertently rolled out its groundbreaking “Universal Basic Poverty” program, affecting millions of customers nationwide. The Bank of America outage has left account holders both penniless and oddly liberated.

Customers Embrace New $0 Balance Lifestyle

As Bank of America customers logged in today, they were greeted with a uniform $0.00 balance. Many quickly realized the benefits of this new financial paradigm.

“I’ve never felt so rich in poverty,” exclaimed Sarah Johnson, a long-time customer. “My account balance matches my self-esteem – zero has never looked so good!”

JPMorgan Chase and Wells Fargo Join the “Zero is Hero” Movement

Not to be outdone, JPMorgan Chase and Wells Fargo have reportedly joined the revolution, with their systems also “glitching” into financial oblivion.

ATMs Dispense Priceless Financial Advice

Bank of America ATMs now dispense fortune cookie-style financial wisdom instead of cash. One gem reads: “A dollar saved is a dollar we’ll lose for you.”

Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell commented: “This Bank of America outage is an innovative approach to combating inflation. If nobody has money, we can finally afford those avocado toasts!”

Jeffrey Pesos, PISR’s Director of E-Commerce Operations, chimed in: “I usually don’t care about poor people, but now that everyone’s broke, I guess I’ll have to start a support group for recovering billionaires. First lesson: learning to cry in a Toyota instead of a Tesla.”

As the Bank of America outage persists, customers are embracing their new zero-balance reality. Who needs money when you have the peace of mind that comes with universal financial equality? Remember, in modern banking, zero is the new hero – and bankruptcy is just a state of mind!