Breaking News: Experts Discover Severe CNN Breaking News Addiction Crisis

Breaking News: Experts Discover Severe CNN Breaking News Addiction Crisis

In a groundbreaking study that’s actually breaking news, researchers have documented a severe case of CNN breaking news addiction affecting the entire network. The experiment, designed to test CNN’s ability to broadcast for 24 hours without using their breaking news alert, revealed symptoms that experts are calling “tragically hilarious.”

The Breaking Point

By 9:15 AM, the situation had already deteriorated. “I witnessed three anchors trying to convince their producer that a slight change in barometric pressure warranted a breaking news alert,” reported Dr. Sarah Matthews, head of Media Psychology at Breaking News Anonymous (BNA).

March E. Tellerman, PISR’s Master of Marketing Madness, observed: “These folks are more nervous than a bag of caffeinated cats in a rocking chair factory! Trying to stop CNN from using breaking news alerts is like trying to teach my mama’s dead gator to play the banjo – technically possible, but why would you?”

Withdrawal Symptoms

– Hour 4: Anchors began adding “BREAKING” to their email signatures

– Hour 6: Weather updates were delivered in emergency broadcast format

– Hour 8: Someone tried to declare their lunch break as “breaking news”

The late Walter Cronkite was unavailable for comment, but we imagine he would have said, “And that’s the way it is… BREAKING NEWS: I just finished that sentence!”

Expert Analysis

Max Perkins, our Managing Editor, summarized it perfectly: “Look, these people would declare their coffee getting cold as breaking news if they could. It’s like watching a toddler try to go five minutes without saying ‘why’ – technically possible, but against their fundamental nature.”

The experiment ended prematurely when the network began broadcasting “BREAKING NEWS: No Breaking News to Report” on a continuous loop.

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