Florida Bans Social Media for Kids, Ignoring More Pressing Issues

In a groundbreaking move, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has signed a law banning social media for kids under 16, because apparently that’s the biggest problem facing the state. Never mind the ongoing climate crisis, widening income inequality, or crumbling infrastructure – the real threat to Florida’s future is apparently TikTok dances and Instagram filters.

Parental Consent Now Required for Teenagers to Post Selfies

Under the new law, 14 and 15-year-olds will need parental consent to use social media. As local parent Karen Smith put it, “I’m so glad the government is stepping in to make these decisions for me. I was really struggling to monitor my own children’s internet use.” Because why bother parenting when you can just legislate?

Social Media Companies Forced to Play Babysitter

The law puts the obligation on social media companies to verify users’ ages and kick underage kids off their platforms. Meta, parent company of Facebook and Instagram, expressed concerns about privacy and parental rights. But hey, since when has the Florida government cared about privacy or parents’ ability to make choices for their own families?

Experts Weigh In

“This law is a game-changer,” said absolutely nobody with any expertise in child development or mental health. “Banning social media for middle schoolers will surely solve all their problems and turn them into well-adjusted, productive members of society.” Edward Übermensch, the content editor for Politically Incorrect Social Responsibility, added, “I support Mr. DeSantis’s law because the youth of this country needs to learn their grammar. They can have their first amendment when they’re old enough to drive.”

Thanks to this bold new law, Florida’s children will be protected from the horrors of friending, liking, and sharing – and the state can continue ignoring the actual issues impacting residents’ lives. But at least now parents can rest easy knowing their 13-year-old won’t be exposed to dangerous things like puppy videos and grandma’s Facebook memes.