Kirk Cousins Revealed as Alien Superhero After 509-Yard Game

Kirk Cousins Revealed as Alien Superhero After 509-Yard Game

In a shocking turn of events, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Kirk Cousins has been revealed to be an alien superhero after his otherworldly 509-yard, 4-touchdown performance against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The game, which ended in a 36-30 overtime victory for the Falcons, has left fans and experts questioning everything they thought they knew about human capabilities.

Cousins’ Superpowers Unveiled

Witnesses report seeing Cousins’ eyes glow an eerie blue as he effortlessly launched 60-yard bombs with pinpoint accuracy. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Buccaneers cornerback Carlton Davis. “It was like he could see through our defense with X-ray vision.”

NFL Scrambles to Respond

The NFL has been thrown into chaos as they try to determine if there are any rules against extraterrestrial beings participating in professional football. “We’re reviewing our bylaws,” said a frazzled NFL spokesperson. “There’s nothing explicitly stating that players must be human, but we never thought we’d need to specify that!”

Jeffrey Pesos, Director of E-Commerce Operations at Politically Incorrect Social Responsibility, weighed in on the situation: “As a pesos-rich individual, I’m just wondering if we can monetize this alien technology. Imagine the merchandise possibilities – ‘Throw Like an Alien’ training programs, sponsored by PISR!”

As the football world grapples with this revelation, one thing is clear: the game will never be the same. The only question remaining is whether other teams will now start recruiting from distant galaxies to keep up with the Falcons’ stellar new quarterback.