Scientists Hate Them! Local CERN Portal Conspiracy Unleashes Army of Time-Traveling Truth Seekers
Scientists Hate Them! Local CERN Portal Conspiracy Unleashes Army of Time-Traveling Truth Seekers
In what quantum physicists are calling “the most predictable CERN portal conspiracy yet,” the Large Hadron Collider’s latest experiment has accidentally torn the fabric of reality, releasing thousands of time-displaced doomsday theorists from 2012. The theorists, armed with Mayan calendars and “What Would Giorgio Tsoukalos Do?” wristbands, immediately began filing interdimensional paperwork to appear on Joe Rogan’s podcast.
Containment Efforts Through Vibrational Frequencies
Peter Peterson, PISR’s Senior Web Developer and part-time reality defender, assessed the situation: “As someone who regularly battles threats from other dimensions between coffee breaks, I can confirm these theorists are harder to contain than my super-villain ex-girlfriend. They keep insisting Gangnam Style was actually a coded warning about particle physics.”
Emergency Response Protocols
Guru Og Tritium, PISR’s supremely relaxed Content Moderator, offered his unique perspective: “Man, like, these 2012 folks need to chill. The world’s already ended like five times since they left. Also, has anyone seen my crystals? These dudes took them all.”
Famous conspiracy theorist David Icke (the 2012 version) emerged from the portal to declare: “This is exactly what the shape-shifting quantum lizard people wanted! Wait until I tell Joe Rogan about this… where is Joe Rogan? Why are there so many podcasts now?”
Public Safety Advisory
Officials advise the public to avoid engaging with displaced theorists, as they may attempt to recruit you into their “awakening” through lengthy PowerPoint presentations about the correlation between CERN portal conspiracy events and Mercury being in retrograde.
Roy Moss, transmitting via smoke signals from his Alaskan bunker, added: “First the wolves, now this. At least these theorists might keep the wolves distracted with their presentations about ancient astronaut theory.”
HASHTAGS: #CERNportal #ConspiracyTheories #TimeTravel #WakeUp #Ancient2012Wisdom #PortalPeople #RoganRequest
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