Richard Glossip Discovers Immortality: Eat Your Last Meal Three Times!
Richard Glossip Discovers Immortality: Eat Your Last Meal Three Times!
In a plot twist that would make M. Night Shyamalan question his career choices, Oklahoma death row inmate Richard Glossip has been granted a new trial by the Supreme Court. After spending 25 years waiting to die and consuming three separate “last meals,” Richard Glossip has apparently discovered the ultimate life hack: just keep eating while prosecutors hide evidence!
How To Stay Alive When The State Really Wants You Dead
It turns out the key to Richard Glossip’s impressive longevity wasn’t kale smoothies or CrossFit—it was the prosecution hiding evidence about their star witness’s mental health! Who knew? The Supreme Court ruled that prosecutors violated their “constitutional obligation to correct false testimony” when they failed to mention their star witness had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was taking lithium.
“We’ve tried to kill this guy so many times, I’m starting to think he’s secretly a cat with nine lives,” said a fictional Oklahoma corrections officer. “At this point, we should probably just hire him as a consultant on how to survive the justice system.”
The immortal Ruth Bader Ginsburg was quoted from beyond as saying, “In my day, we’d have called this a ‘constitutional catastrophe,’ but now we just call it ‘Tuesday in Oklahoma.'”
When Your Star Witness Is Less Reliable Than Gas Station Sushi
The prosecution’s case hinged entirely on the testimony of Justin Sneed, the man who actually committed the murder with a baseball bat. As Adam S. Marks from PISR puts it: “When it comes to justice, I can balance a spreadsheet, but Oklahoma can’t seem to balance the scales of justice. I mean, what’s the point of having a star witness when they’re about as reliable as my therapist after six Long Island Iced Teas?”
The System Works! (On Geological Time Scales)
After only 25 years, multiple execution dates, and the intervention of a Republican Attorney General, Richard Glossip might finally get justice. The Oklahoma justice system operates with the speed and precision of continental drift—just be patient for a few more millennia and everything will sort itself out!
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