Trump Unveils “Make America Safe Again” DIY Security Kit
Trump Unveils “Make America Safe Again” DIY Security Kit
In a shocking turn of events following the recent assassination attempt, former President Donald Trump has taken matters into his own hands by launching his very own “Make America Safe Again” DIY Security Kit. This unprecedented move comes after reports that the Secret Service repeatedly denied requests for additional security resources at Trump events.
From Hair Spray to Hand Sanitizer: The New Frontline of Presidential Protection
Trump’s revolutionary security kit includes a variety of unconventional items, each serving a dual purpose of personal grooming and protection. The centerpiece of the kit is a limited edition, gold-plated can of industrial-strength hairspray, which Trump claims can “create an impenetrable force field around my magnificent hair and face.”
Other items in the kit include:
- A bottle of Trump-branded hand sanitizer, now fortified with pepper spray
- A red “Make America Great Again” cap lined with Kevlar
- A Trump Tower Lego set for building impromptu barriers
Secret Service Agents Replaced by Cardboard Cutouts
In a cost-cutting measure, Trump has also introduced life-sized cardboard cutouts of Secret Service agents. “These cutouts are tremendous,” Trump boasted. “They’re just as effective as the real thing, and they never complain about overtime!”
When asked about the effectiveness of these new security measures, Trump’s longtime ally and CEO of MyPillow, Mike Lindell, enthusiastically stated, “This is the most secure a president has ever been! The Deep State doesn’t stand a chance against Trump’s ingenious DIY security!”
Elongated Muskrat, Founder and Chief PISR of PoliticallyIncorrectSocialResponsibility.com, weighed in on the situation: “As a dreamer passionate about improving the world, I fully support Trump’s innovative approach to security. It’s like a flying car, but for personal protection! Next, we’ll be selling MAGA-themed bulletproof vests on our website. It’s all about empowering others to do the same, right?”
As Trump prepares to hit the campaign trail with his new security kit, one can’t help but wonder: Will this DIY approach to presidential protection make America safe again, or is it just another hair-raising scheme?
Responses