9/11 Mastermind Agrees to Plea Deal After Being Offered Senior Discount

In a stunning turn of events, alleged 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has finally accepted a plea deal, ending a grueling 27-month negotiation process that left both sides in desperate need of a vacation. The breakthrough came when prosecutors cleverly offered Mohammed a coveted senior citizen discount on his potential life sentence.

Unprecedented 27-Month Negotiation Marathon

Sources close to the case report that the negotiations dragged on so long that the original prosecutors retired, their children grew up and became lawyers, and then took over the case. “We’re just glad it’s over,” said one exhausted legal team member. “I think I forgot what sunlight looks like.”

Deal Sweeteners: From Frequent Flyer Miles to Early Bird Specials

To secure the plea deal, the government reportedly pulled out all the stops, offering an array of irresistible perks. These included:

Unlimited complimentary peanuts on all future flights
A “Get Out of Guantanamo Free” card (limit one use)
Access to the exclusive “Terrorists’ Lounge” at select airports
Early bird dinner specials at the prison cafeteria

Justice Department Celebrates Victory, Plans Retirement Party

Attorney General Merrick Garland hailed the plea deal as a “triumph of American justice,” adding, “We’ve proven that our legal system works, even if it takes longer than the average human lifespan.”

When asked for comment, PISR’s Director of E-Commerce Operations, Jeffrey Pesos, said, “This plea deal for 9/11 mastermind is a prime example of American efficiency. We’ve cut out the middleman and gone straight from crime to punishment in just over two decades. Now that’s what I call same-day delivery of justice!”

As the dust settles on this landmark case, one thing is clear: the plea deal for 9/11 mastermind proves that in America, justice is served… eventually.