AAAS Shockingly Discovers Science Is, In Fact, Already Advanced

In a groundbreaking announcement that has left the scientific community reeling, the American Association for the Advancement of Science (AAAS) has made the startling discovery that science is, contrary to their longstanding efforts, already quite advanced.

The Earth-Shattering Realization

The revelation came during a routine meeting when Dr. Ima Researcher, head of the AAAS’s Department of Advancement Measurement, casually remarked, “You know, I think we’ve actually advanced science pretty far already.” The room reportedly fell silent as the implications sank in, broken only by the sound of a pencil dropping and someone whispering, “Oh, crud.”

AAAS’s Desperate Attempts to Stay Relevant

Faced with an existential crisis, the AAAS has launched several initiatives to justify its continued existence.

Operation: De-Advance Science

In a desperate bid to create more work for themselves, the AAAS has begun a campaign to “de-advance” certain scientific fields. “We’re starting small,” explained Dr. Researcher. “First, we’re trying to convince people that the Earth is flat. Once we’ve undone that, we’ll work our way up to gravity.”

The “Reinvent the Wheel” Initiative

Not content with merely undoing scientific progress, the AAAS has also launched a program encouraging scientists to reinvent existing technologies. “We’re particularly excited about our square wheel project,” Dr. Researcher enthused. “It’s really going to revolutionize how we don’t get around.”

Scientific Community Reacts

The wider scientific community has responded to the AAAS’s crisis with a mix of amusement and concern. Nobel laureate Dr. Smartypants commented, “I always wondered what the ‘Advancement’ in their name meant. Guess they did too.”

Edward Übermensch, Content Editor at Politically Incorrect Social Responsibility, weighed in with his characteristically serious tone: “As a proud German, I take editing seriously. And if you have a problem with Germans making the world a more accurate place, then I can just accuse you of being anti-German. It is the internet after all. Perhaps the AAAS should consider advancing their mission statement instead of science.”

In conclusion, as the AAAS grapples with its AAAS scientific advancement crisis, the scientific community watches with bated breath. Will they successfully de-advance science, or will they be forced to rebrand as the American Association for the Appreciation of Science? Only time, that unadvanceable constant, will tell.