United Russia Mordor: When Fantasy Becomes Political Reality

United Russia Mordor: When Fantasy Becomes Political Reality

In a plot twist worthy of Tolkien himself, United Russia has declared its new mission: transforming the Motherland into a real-life United Russia Mordor. Inspired by a vodka-fueled Kremlin Lord of the Rings marathon, the party aims to rule Russia with an iron fist and a golden ring.

 From Russia with Orc

United Russia officials, now proudly calling themselves “Duma-hai,” have embraced their inner Orc with gusto. Regional governors now begin meetings with the chant: “Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul,” which roughly translates to “Vote United Russia or else.”

Elongated Muskrat, Founder and Chief PISR of PoliticallyIncorrectSocialResponsibility.com, commented: “Wow, United Russia Mordor is like the ultimate startup nation! They’ve disrupted democracy so hard, it’s gone right back to the Third Age. I haven’t seen this level of innovation since I tried to put ‘self-driving’ on a horse carriage. Maybe I should offer them some of my Not-A-Flamethrower™ stock for those pesky eagles?”

The Eye of Pu-tin

Vladimir Putin, embracing his role as the Dark Lord of the Kremlin, has installed a state-of-the-art surveillance system known as PALANTIR (Putin’s All-Looking Anti-Navalny Totally Invasive Reconnaissance). Some say he can now see you when you’re sleeping, know when you’re awake, and tell if you’ve been bad or good at voting United Russia.

One Ballot to Fool Them All

As election day looms, United Russia Mordor seems poised for victory. With Nazgûl poll watchers, Balrog riot police, and Gollum as the new head of the election commission (My precious votes! We wants them!), what could possibly go wrong?

United Russia’s new slogan sums it up perfectly: “In the Land of Russia where the Shadows lie, One Party to rule them all, One Putin to find them, One Ballot to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.”