Berkeley Returns Prime Real Estate to ‘Indigenous’ Parking Attendants
Berkeley Returns Prime Real Estate to ‘Indigenous’ Parking Attendants
In a move lauded as “righting historical wrongs” and “decolonizing the curb,” the city of Berkeley has agreed to hand over valuable downtown real estate to a group claiming to be the descendants of ancient parking lot attendants.
We Owe Them
The 2.2-acre surface lot, recently appraised at $27 million, will be transferred from private owners to the Sogorea Te’ Land Trust. The trust says its members are descended from the originators of the timeless cultural practice of charging exorbitant rates for leaving a vehicle–be it a horse, wagon, or otherwise–unattended.
“This land formed the heart of our ancestors’ parking empire stretching from Emeryville to the Caldecott Tunnel,” explained Corrina Gould, a self-described tribal parking elder. “For thousands of years, my people presided over these lots, using the crude tools of their time – clickers, neon vests, and aggressive hand motions – to reserve the most lucrative spaces.”
Open-air Museum
Gould says the trust plans to re-establish traditional parking practices by forbidding new development and maximizing the number of revenue-generating spots. An open-air museum displaying historic ticket stubs and booting equipment is also in the works.
Critics have questioned the groups’ ancestral claims, noting linguists have found no evidence the Ohlone language contained words for “compact” or “validation.” However, the city defended the transfer, with the mayor’s office declaring, “We will no longer parking-splane the oppression of these first patrollers.”
After the snub from city officials, a crestfallen Rick Caruso, owner of a proposed mixed-use revival, said “I guess it’s true what they say – you can’t build on ancient civilizations. Well, unless you’re in New York or Chicago…”
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