Breaking News: Scientists Discover That Listening to Classical Music Makes You Smarter Than Everyone Else

The Revelation

In an unprecedented revelation that’s shaking the foundations of science and common sense alike, a recent study by the Prestigious Institute of Questionable and Unrelated to Evidence Science (PIQUES) has unveiled a startling truth: indulging in the melodious strains of classical music not only soothes your soul but apparently inflates your IQ to stratospheric heights.

“We’ve always suspected that Beethoven and Bach had more up their sleeves than just arms and symphonies,” declares Dr. Bowen Fiddle, lead researcher at PIQUES. “Our study shows that classical music listeners are not just smart; they’re super-duper fucking brilliant. It’s science.”

Trust The Science!

staggering 200% increase in intelligence after a mere two hours of listening to classical music

The study, involving three people and a parrot named Papageno, found a staggering 200% increase in intelligence after a mere two hours of listening to classical music, a statistic that statisticians find statistically statisfying. “It’s a no-brainer, or rather, a full-brainer!” exclaims Dr. Fiddle, with a wink and an almost princess-like sequence of movements that attempt to mimic the elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, flick the hair, blow a kiss, except he’s bald. I’ll tell you – it was quite a sight to see his attempt at acting like science-nobility.

The Critics

Meanwhile, critics (who obviously haven’t listened to enough Vivaldi) argue that this study might be, in the words of renowned skeptic Dr. U. R. Kidding, “a crescendo of nonsense.” Yes in the same breath, Dr. Kidding also admitted his preference for tickling his earlobes with metal bands such as Anal Squirt Massacre and Sublime Cadaveric Decomposition, which means the evidence is as clear as the sound of a solo violin in an empty concert hall – classical music is a brain’s best friend.

In a surprising twist, the study also suggests that playing an air-violin while listening doubles the effect, a fact that has street mimes and air musicians rejoicing worldwide.