Bulletproof Trump Declares “Second Amendment? I Am the Second Amendment!”

Bulletproof Trump Declares “Second Amendment? I Am the Second Amendment!”

In a twist that has Democrats reaching for smelling salts and Republicans tattooing “MAGA” on their foreheads, Donald Trump emerged from an assassination attempt not just unscathed, but glowing like a radioactive Cheeto. Trump’s invincible presidential campaign has taken an unprecedented turn, as the candidate now claims he’s become “one with the Constitution.”

The Unkillable Candidate Promises “Deathlessness for All!”

At the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee, Trump unveiled his new slogan: “Make America Immortal Again, Folks!” The former president, now levitating six inches off the ground, vowed to share his secret to invincibility with all Americans – right after his hamberders.

“Listen up, beautiful people,” Trump bellowed to a sea of red hats. “I’ve always said I’m the most pro-life president ever. Now, I’m so pro-life, even Death’s afraid of me! Sad!”

J.D. Vance: From Hillbilly Elegy to Bulletproof Lackey

In a move surprising absolutely no one, Trump picked Ohio Senator J.D. Vance as his running mate and personal bullet sponge. Vance, once a Trump critic, now wears a star-spangled diaper with pride.

“I used to write books,” Vance mumbled, strapping on his ‘MAGA’ branded kevlar onesie. “Now I just write my will… daily.”

When questioned about the constitutionality of an immortal president, Trump’s new campaign manager, John “Rambo” Bolton, ripped off his shirt and screamed, “The Constitution will bend to his will!”

Elongated Muskrat, founder of PoliticallyIncorrectSocialResponsibility.com, couldn’t resist cashing in: “Trump’s invincible presidential campaign is yuuuge! We’re launching ‘Trump-Tested, Bullet-Resistant’ hair spray. It’s like kevlar for your combover!”

As America grapples with the prospect of an eternal Trump presidency, one thing’s certain: the 2024 election is shaping up to be a showdown between mere mortals and an apparently unstoppable farce. May covfefe be with you all.