Bump Stocks and Banana Peels: Supreme Court’s Newest Slip-Up

In a ruling that has left many scratching their heads and polishing their gavel collections, the Supreme Court has decided that bump stocks, the infamous gun accessories that make semiautomatic rifles fire more quickly, do not fall under the definition of “machine guns.” This decision has sparked both outrage and confusion, with gun control advocates decrying the ruling as a step backward. But, as we dive into the absurdity of this legal gymnastics, one has to wonder: Did the Justices consult a dictionary, or did they rely on their trusty Magic 8-Balls?

The Duck Test: A New Legal Standard?

Liberal Justice Sonia Sotomayor summed up her dissent with a line that might soon rival “if it walks like a duck”: “When I see a bird that walks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, I call that bird a duck.” Her argument that bump stocks enable semiautomatic rifles to operate like machine guns was as clear as, well, a duck pond. Meanwhile, the majority seemed to have mistaken this for a game of duck, duck, goose.

The NRA: Masters of the Backflip

In a plot twist worthy of a daytime soap, the National Rifle Association (NRA) applauded the ruling. This is the same NRA that initially supported the Trump administration’s bump stock ban post-Las Vegas massacre. Their recent stance is as consistent as a weathervane in a hurricane. Perhaps they’ve been practicing their backflips in anticipation of the next Olympics.

Esther Sanchez-Gomez, Litigation Director at Giffords Law Center, humorously quipped, “This ruling is like deciding that water isn’t wet because it only feels wet when you touch it. Bravo, Supreme Court, bravo. “From our very own PISR personnel, Adam S. Marks, Chief Financial Officer, added, “This decision is like trying to balance a spreadsheet on a unicycle while juggling flaming torches. Sure, it’s entertaining, but it’s bound to end in disaster. But hey, at least we get a good laugh out of it!”

Legislative Roulette: Spin the Wheel, Make a Law

As President Biden and Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer call on Congress to pass new legislation, one can’t help but imagine the legislative process as a game of roulette.

Will they land on red (ban bump stocks) or black (maintain the status quo)? With the stakes higher than ever, it seems we’re all just placing our bets and hoping for the best.

The Supreme Court’s ruling on bump stocks has left the nation in a state of bemused exasperation. As we watch this legal circus unfold, one thing is clear: the debate over bump stocks is far from over. So, grab your popcorn, folks, because this show is just getting started.