CIWF Introduces ‘Free-Range Humans’ Certification: Office Workers Rejoice at Being Treated Like Slightly Better LivestockBlog

CIWF Introduces ‘Free-Range Humans’ Certification: Office Workers Rejoice at Being Treated Like Slightly Better Livestock

In a groundbreaking move that has left factory farmers envious, Compassion in World Farming (CIWF) has extended its animal welfare certification program to include human office workers. The new “Free-Range Humans” certification aims to improve working conditions and provide a more humane environment for the millions of people confined to office spaces worldwide, ensuring they are treated at least as well as slightly better-off livestock.

The Free-Range Human Standard: A Coop Above the Rest

CIWF’s rigorous certification process ensures that “free-range certified office spaces” meet strict criteria for worker welfare that would make even the most pampered broiler chicken jealous. The standard includes requirements for space, access to the outdoors, and environmental enrichment that almost make up for the soul-crushing nature of modern work.

Industry Reactions and Adoption (Because Everyone Else Is Doing It)

The response from the business world has been swift, with numerous companies already pledging to achieve Free-Range Humans certification faster than you can say “buzzword compliance.”

“We’ve always prioritized the well-being of our employees, right after shareholder value and executive bonuses,” said Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon, as he installed state-of-the-art nest boxes in his warehouses. “Applying animal welfare standards to our offices seemed like the logical next step, after we realized robots weren’t quite ready to replace all our workers just yet.”

In the words of Edward Übermensch, “The Free-Range Humans certification marks a new era in worker rights, one where humans are treated with the same dignity and respect we afford to our livestock. No longer will office workers be subjected to the inhumane conditions faced by factory-farmed animals, unless it’s absolutely necessary for the bottom line.

It’s time for us to spread our wings and enjoy the freedom of the open office, or at least the illusion of it.”