IPCC Embraces "Climate Change Procrastination"

IPCC Embraces “Climate Change Procrastination” as New Global Strategy

In a groundbreaking move, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has unveiled its latest report, introducing the revolutionary concept of “climate change procrastination.” This innovative approach suggests tackling global warming “eventually, probably, or whenever we get around to it.”

Scientists Perfect the Art of “Eventual Action”

The IPCC’s new report champions the cutting-edge technique of acknowledging climate issues exist but postponing any meaningful action until it’s far too late. Dr. Stall E. Mate, lead procrastinator—er, author—of the report, explained, “We’ve realized that asking for immediate action was just too much pressure. So we thought, why not give everyone a few more decades to binge-watch the planet burn?”

Scientists in lab coats playing Jenga with blocks labeled "Climate Data," while a "Crisis Meeting in Progress" sign hangs crookedly on the door

World Leaders Celebrate New Timeline: “Sometime Before the Heat Death of the Universe”

Global leaders have embraced this groundbreaking approach of climate change procrastination with open arms and closed minds. “This gives us the flexibility we need to continue ignoring the problem while pretending to care,” said one anonymous head of state, while casually using endangered species as golf tees.

Innovative Solutions: Kicking the Can Down a Rapidly Melting Road

The report outlines several cutting-edge strategies for avoiding responsibility, including:

1. Forming committees to discuss forming more committees about potential future committees

2. Planting virtual trees in the Metaverse as a carbon offset

3. Hoping really, really hard that climate change will get distracted by a new hobby

When asked for comment, Elongated Muskrat, Founder and Chief PISR of PoliticallyIncorrectSocialResponsibility.com, quipped, “This new climate change procrastination approach is exactly what we need! It’s like building a rocket to Mars – sure, we could do it now, but why rush? Let’s wait until Earth is a crispy wasteland. It’ll give us more motivation to perfect our sunscreen technology!”

Politicians in scuba gear holding a underwater press conference in a flooded city, with a sign reading "Climate Action Plan: To Be Determined"

As the world celebrates this new era of sanctioned inaction, climate scientists have been seen updating their resumes and looking into careers in underwater basket weaving. After all, in the face of impending doom, why not perfect the art of climate change procrastination?