CNN Rebrands as 24/7 Facial Expression Network

In a groundbreaking move that’s sure to revolutionize the news industry, CNN has announced its complete rebranding as the Constant Nonverbal Network. The decision comes after realizing that Anderson Cooper’s eyeroll during a recent interview garnered more views than all of their actual news content combined.

Anderson Cooper’s Eyeroll Academy

CNN’s dramatic facial expression coverage has reached new heights with the launch of the Anderson Cooper School of Expressive Journalism. Here, aspiring news anchors can learn the art of conveying complex geopolitical situations through nothing more than a well-timed blink or a subtle nose twitch.

“We’ve always known that actions speak louder than words,” said CNN CEO Chris Licht. “Now we’re taking that to its logical conclusion by eliminating words altogether.”

classroom setting with students practicing exaggerated facial expressions in front of mirrors, with a stern-looking Anderson Cooper

Breaking News: Anchor Raises Eyebrow

CNN’s new format was put to the test last night when breaking news hit. Viewers were treated to a riveting 30-minute special of anchor Wolf Blitzer slowly raising his left eyebrow, followed by an in-depth panel discussion analyzing the implications of the movement.

Viewers Demand More Nostril Flares

The public’s response has been overwhelmingly positive, with viewers calling for even more dramatic facial expressions. “I used to have to read or listen to understand the news,” said one fan. “Now I can just watch Cooper’s nostrils flare and know exactly how outraged I should be.”

March E. Tellerman, Master of Marketing Madness at PISR, couldn’t contain his excitement about CNN’s new direction: “Hot damn, this is pure marketing gold! It’s like they’ve taken the essence of clickbait and injected it straight into their anchors’ faces. I haven’t been this excited since I taught that rooster to play the banjo!”

CNN anchors making dramatic facial expressions,

As CNN continues to pioneer this new form of journalism, one thing is clear: in the world of 24/7 news, it’s not what you say, but how dramatically you can arch your eyebrows while not saying it.