Congress Defends Nominee Hegseth by Pointing Out Everyone’s Equally Questionable Behavior

Congress Defends Nominee Hegseth by Pointing Out Everyone’s Equally Questionable Behavior

In an unprecedented display of political strategizing, Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-OK) defended Defense Secretary nominee Pete Hegseth by essentially arguing that questionable behavior is a prerequisite for working in Washington. The senate confirmation drama reached new heights when Mullin suggested that showing up intoxicated to work was practically a congressional tradition.

When “Everyone Else Does It” Becomes a Legal Defense

“This is exactly why I love politics,” said Adam S. Marks, CFO of Politically Incorrect Social Responsibility. “Nothing says ‘he’s qualified’ quite like pointing out that everyone else is equally unqualified. It’s like when my therapist tells me I don’t have a drinking problem because she drinks more than I do. And she’s a professional!”

Setting the Bar Low Enough for Everyone to Stumble Over

Senator Mullin’s defense strategy has effectively transformed the confirmation hearing into a contest of who hasn’t shown up tipsy to vote, leading many to question whether “hold my beer” is now an official parliamentary procedure.

“The only qualification that matters is having dust on your boots,” one senator reportedly whispered to another, “though it’s unclear if that dust came from Afghanistan or the bottom of a wine barrel.”