Couch Potato Uprising: Anti-Sports Extremists Sabotage Olympic Trains

In a shocking display of Olympic sabotage by couch potatoes, the Paris Games have been derailed by the militant “Lazy Liberation Front” (LLF). These anti-sport extremists have claimed responsibility for crippling France’s train network, citing their hatred of “unnecessary movement” as motivation.

The Slothful Revolution Begins

LLF spokesperson Bud “The Spud” Johnson, speaking from his custom La-Z-Boy command center, declared: “We’ve been oppressed by society’s expectations of verticality for too long. It’s time we lie down for our right to never get up!”

Manifesto: “No More Sweat, Only Sweatpants!”

The group’s manifesto, scribbled on a grease-stained pizza box, demands the immediate conversion of all sports facilities into “horizontal relaxation zones.” They’ve proposed new Olympic events such as “Extreme Remote Hoarding” and “Synchronized Snoring.”

IOC’s Desperate Damage Control

A visibly exhausted IOC President Thomas Bach announced: “We’re introducing ‘Professional Lounging’ as an Olympic sport. May the least motivated win!”

Usain Bolt, caught off-guard by reporters, quipped: “I’ve been training for the wrong events my whole life. My couch time is unbeatable!”

“Extreme Inertia” Takes Center Stage

The new discipline will feature events like “Marathon TV Binge-Watching” and “Freestyle Napping.” Competitors will be judged on their ability to fuse with furniture while maintaining a death grip on snacks.

March E. Tellerman of PoliticallyIncorrectSocialResponsibility.com enthused: “This Olympic sabotage by couch potatoes is wilder than a morphine-addled rooster playing banjo at a cat rodeo! We’re launching our ‘Official Immobility Games’ merchandise line – it’s gonna be bigger than my mama wrestling a sedated alligator!”

As the world watches this unprecedented display of competitive lethargy, one thing is clear: the spirit of inactivity is stronger than ever.