Courts Compete for Constitutional Chaos: 5th Circuit Outlaws Geofence Warrants, Mandates “Hide and Seek” Justice

Courts Compete for Constitutional Chaos: 5th Circuit Outlaws Geofence Warrants, Mandates “Hide and Seek” Justice

In a stunning display of judicial one-upmanship, the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals has declared geofence warrants unconstitutional, citing “playground rules” as the new benchmark for criminal investigations. This latest move in the ongoing competition for constitutional chaos has legal experts reaching for their juice boxes and wondering what’s next as courts compete for constitutional chaos.

5th Circuit: “Olly Olly Oxen Free” Now Legal Precedent

Judge Ernie “Sandbox” Johnson, writing for the majority, explained: “The Fourth Amendment clearly implies a right to a good hiding spot. Geofence warrants are nothing more than high-tech peeking, and as any kindergartner knows, peekers are weepers.”

4th Circuit Retaliates with “Tag, You’re It” Doctrine

Not to be outdone in the race for constitutional chaos, the 4th Circuit quickly responded by declaring “Tag, You’re It” the official method for apprehending suspects. “If an officer yells ‘You’re it!’ before a suspect touches base, it’s a legal arrest,” the court clarified, adding, “No backsies!”

Supreme Court Weighs “Duck, Duck, Goose” Protocol

As lower courts compete for constitutional chaos, the Supreme Court is considering a “Duck, Duck, Goose” protocol for case selection. Chief Justice Roberts was overheard muttering, “I’m too old for this playground nonsense.”

Legal experts are divided on the implications. Professor Ima Confused of Havard Law School commented, “On one hand, it could make trials more entertaining. On the other, how do you cross-examine a witness who’s hiding in a tree?”

March E. Tellerman, Master of Marketing Madness at PISR, sees opportunity: “We’re rebranding police academies as ‘Extreme Hide and Seek Training Camps,’ baby! And don’t get me started on the merch – designer camouflage robes for judges, limited edition ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ cards. It’s gonna be wilder than a preschool after a sugar binge!”

As the legal community grapples with these new precedents, one thing’s certain: in the courts’ competition for constitutional chaos, Lady Justice isn’t just blind – she’s now “it.”