Disney’s Woke-a-Doodle-Doo: Animal Kingdom Undergoes Species-Sensitive Rebrand

Disney’s Woke-a-Doodle-Doo: Animal Kingdom Undergoes Species-Sensitive Rebrand

In a move that has furries everywhere fainting with joy, Disney has launched “Operation: Offend No Beast,” a company-wide initiative to rename all animal characters to avoid hurting the feelings of any creature, real or animated. This decision follows the company’s recent renaming of “Liver Lips McGrowl” to “Romeo McGrowl” in the Country Bear Jamboree, after concerns were raised by the Association of Bears with Perfectly Normal Hepatic Function.

The Great Disney De-Speciesification

As Disney’s bear-faced political correctness reaches heights that would make Dumbo dizzy, the company has announced a zoo’s worth of changes. “We’re committed to creating a more inclusive environment for all beings, whether they have fur, feathers, scales, or are simply drawings on a page,” said Disney’s newly appointed Chief Diversity and Inclusion Zoologist, Dr. Polly Tically-Correct.

Mickey Mouse Evolves into “Circular-Eared Sentient Entity of Indeterminate Origin”

In a twist that has cheese manufacturers scratching their heads, Disney’s mascot Mickey Mouse will now answer to “Circular-Eared Sentient Entity of Indeterminate Origin” (CESIO for short, pronounced like the noise you make when you sneeze). The company explained, “We realized that assuming Mickey’s species was not only mousogynistic but also deeply offensive to rats, gerbils, and capybaras who have long felt underrepresented in the world of pantsless cartoon characters.”

Goofy Transforms into “Vertically-Inclined Canis Sapien of Non-Specific Breed”

Not to be outshined, Goofy has been rebranded as “Vertically-Inclined Canis Sapien of Non-Specific Breed” (VICSNB, pronounced like the sound of someone choking on a chicken bone). “We want to acknowledge Goofy’s unique place in the canine world without pigeonholing him into any particular breed stereotype,” Dr. Tically-Correct explained while trying to fit the new name onto a name tag.

When asked for comment, Alexa Moss, Graphic Designer at PISR, rolled her eyes so hard they nearly fell out of her head: “Oh, for the love of Walt’s cryogenically frozen head! What’s next, renaming Space Mountain to ‘Gravity-Challenging Empowerment Coaster for the Vertically Anxious’? I’d rather repaint the entire Magic Kingdom with my own spit than redesign these logos. Maybe I’ll just slap some Mickey ears on a blob and call it a day. It’s not like anyone at Disney can tell the difference between a mouse and a lawsuit waiting to happen anymore.”

As Disney’s bear-faced political correctness continues to turn the House of Mouse into the House of Vague Anthropomorphic Representations, one can’t help but wonder: in their quest to offend no one, has Disney created a theme park where the only ride is a slow-moving train of thought through the Valley of Overthinking? Only time will tell if this new era of ultra-sensitivity will lead to a magical kingdom or a politically correct wasteland where the only remaining character is a beige, amorphous blob named “Being of Indeterminate Everything” (BIE, pronounced like the sound of disappointed sighs from animation lovers everywhere).