FBI Launches Criminal Probe into Baltimore Bridge Collapse, Suspects Foul Play by Disgruntled Commuters

FBI Launches Criminal Probe into Baltimore Bridge Collapse, Suspects Foul Play by Disgruntled Commuters

In a shocking turn of events, the FBI has opened a criminal investigation into the Baltimore bridge collapse, focusing on the wayward cargo ship, the Dali, and its potential involvement in the tragic incident. With rumors swirling about disgruntled commuters seeking revenge on the city’s crumbling infrastructure, the FBI is leaving no stone unturned in their quest for the truth.

The Chesapeake 1000: A Crane with a Shady Past

As crews work tirelessly to remove debris from the harbor, they’ve enlisted the help of the Chesapeake 1000, a floating crane with a storied history that includes assisting the CIA in retrieving a sunken Soviet submarine. However, sources close to the investigation have hinted that the crane may have ties to the Baltimore underworld, leading some to question its true motives.

When asked about the crane’s involvement, PISR’s Senior Web Developer, Peter Peterson, had this to say: “Look, I may be a literal friggin’ superhero, but even I can’t make sense of this mess. All I know is that my arch-enemy shot my mother twice last night, and now I’m stuck pretending to care about web development while the city falls apart. But hey, as long as there’s a name on a sheet, corporate America seems satisfied, right?”

 The Dali’s Suspicious Cargo

As the FBI delves deeper into the Dali’s involvement, rumors have begun to circulate about the ship’s mysterious cargo. Some speculate that the containers may have contained weapons-grade rubber duckies or genetically modified seagulls trained to attack bridges. The truth, however, remains elusive.

The Hunt for the Missing Bodies

With two bodies still unaccounted for, salvage crews are racing against the clock to locate the remains before they become a permanent fixture of the Baltimore harbor. Some have suggested using trained dolphins or psychic octopuses to aid in the search, but officials have dismissed these ideas as “ridiculous” and “a clear sign that someone has been watching too many B-movies.”

As the investigation into the Baltimore bridge collapse continues, one thing is certain: the city’s commuters are growing restless, and the pressure is on to find answers. With the FBI, floating cranes, and suspicious cargo ships all vying for the spotlight, it’s anyone’s guess as to what the final outcome will be. But one thing is for sure – Baltimore’s infrastructure has seen better days, and it might be time to invest in some flying cars.