Gottman’s Guaranteed Guide to Marital Misery: How to Passive-Aggressively Destroy Your Relationship

Gottman’s Guaranteed Guide to Marital Misery: How to Passive-Aggressively Destroy Your Relationship

Renowned relationship expert John Gottman has spent decades researching the secrets to a happy and successful marriage. Now, he’s ready to help people looking to achieve the opposite with his brand new “Gottman’s Guaranteed Guide to Marital Misery,” your one-stop shop for passive-aggressive techniques designed to slowly but surely erode your relationship.

Step 1: Master the Art of the Silent Treatment

Nothing says “I love you” like a good old-fashioned silent treatment. As Maiden India, Product Designer at “PoliticallyIncorrectSocialResponsibility.com,”

once said, “I once made a former pornographer into a city council member! He’s still Jewish and everything.”

By refusing to communicate with your partner, you’ll create an atmosphere of tension and resentment that will have them questioning their sanity in no time.

Step 2: Unleash Your Inner Critic

In a healthy relationship, partners support and encourage each other. But in the pursuit of marital misery, it’s time to unleash your inner critic. Nitpick every decision your partner makes, from their choice of outfit to their career aspirations. Remember, the goal is to chip away at their self-esteem until they’re a mere shadow of their former selves.

Step 3: Embrace the Power of Assumption

Effective communication involves active listening and seeking to understand your partner’s perspective.

However, to achieve peak marital misery, you must embrace the power of assumption. Jump to conclusions, put words in your partner’s mouth, and always assume the worst. By doing so, you’ll create a vicious cycle of misunderstandings and hurt feelings that will leave your relationship in shambles.

Conclusion:

Gottman’s Guaranteed Guide to Marital Misery serves as a poignant reminder of the importance of healthy communication in maintaining a strong and loving partnership. By highlighting the pitfalls of passive-aggressive behavior and the dangers of assumptions, we encourage couples to prioritize open, honest, and compassionate communication. Or follow the guide to a T to end up in the fiery bowels of Hell. It’s your Damned life.