Indiana Parents Demand “Intellectual Safe Spaces” in Science Class

Indiana Parents Demand “Intellectual Safe Spaces” in Science Class

In a lawsuit that’s sure to go down in history (or maybe pre-history?), Indiana parents are fighting to protect their children from the perils of learning. Because as we all know, knowledge threatens religious beliefs, and we can’t have our kids evolving into critical thinkers, can we?

Evolution: The Gateway Theory to Rational Thought

The plaintiffs argue that teaching evolution is a slippery slope that could lead to even more dangerous ideas, like gravity or the spherical Earth theory. “First, they learn about natural selection, and next thing you know, they’re selecting to use their own brains!” said one concerned parent. “We can’t risk our children developing… gasp… independent thought!”

Local scientist Dr. Fakename Madeup weighed in: “It’s a well-known fact that learning about Darwin leads directly to worshipping Satan and understanding climate change. It’s survival of the most informed, people!”

New Curriculum: “Choose Your Own Scientific Adventure”

To address these concerns, schools are considering a revolutionary new approach to science education. Instead of learning established scientific theories, students will be encouraged to create their own realities based on personal beliefs and what they had for breakfast that morning.

Textbooks to be Replaced with Fortune Cookies

In a cost-saving measure, all science textbooks will be replaced with fortune cookies. “It’s a win-win,” explained school board member Ignorance McBliss. “Students can get answers to life’s big questions and a tasty snack, all without the burden of evidence-based learning.”

Other subjects are following suit. Math classes will now use feelings instead of numbers, and history will be taught using interpretive dance to avoid any pesky facts.

Guru Og Tritium, Content Moderator at PoliticallyIncorrectSocialResponsibility.com, offered his unique perspective: “Dude, what if, like, we’re all just cosmic amoebas in a giant petri dish? And evolution is just the universe’s way of, like, stirring the pot, man. Woah. That’s deep. Anyone got any Cheetos?”

As Indiana prepares for this brave new world of education, one thing is clear: the less our children know, the safer they’ll be from the corrupting influence of facts and reason. After all, isn’t blissful ignorance what the American Dream is all about?

Disclaimer: This article is satirical. Any resemblance to actual education policies is purely coincidental and deeply concerning.