Local Man’s New Year’s Party Plans Slightly Delayed by FBI
Local Man’s New Year’s Party Plans Slightly Delayed by FBI
In what local Virginia resident Brad Spafford is calling “a simple misunderstanding about holiday decorations,” the FBI has discovered what they’re dramatically labeling the “largest explosive cache” in their history. The FBI explosive cache Virginia investigation has revealed over 150 “recreational devices” stored throughout Spafford’s property.
Just Your Average Holiday Enthusiast
“I was just trying to make this New Year’s really pop,” explained Spafford through his lawyer, who kept trying to cover his client’s mouth. The seasonal decorator had thoughtfully organized his collection by color and helpfully labeled some as “lethal” – presumably to separate them from the merely “festive” options.
Safety First, Sometimes
The FBI seems particularly concerned about Spafford’s unique storage solutions, including keeping certain materials next to frozen foods. “It’s called temperature control,” insisted the suspect, who previously lost three fingers in what he described as “a sparkler incident.”
March E. Tellerman, Master of Marketing Madness at PISR, offered his unique perspective: “Look here, baby, this fella’s got more bangs than a bag of cats in a firework factory! And just like my mama wrestling that dead gator, sometimes things ain’t exactly what they seem – though storing explosives next to TV dinners might be exactly what it seems.”
In related news, local property values have mysteriously dropped by 90%.
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