Nation’s Struggling Debtors to Biden: Student Loan Forgiveness for Regime Change in Gaza!

Nation’s Struggling Debtors to Biden: Student Loan Forgiveness for Regime Change in Gaza!

President Biden’s new student loan forgiveness plan has hit an unexpected snag: entitled debtors refusing to support it unless he also single-handedly resolves the Israel-Palestine conflict. That’s right, self-interested citizens are trying to hijack debt relief to strongarm Biden into an unrelated foreign policy stance. The audacity!

Debt-Saddled Millennials: The New Middle East Peace Brokers

Apparently, drowning in student debt makes you an expert on Middle Eastern geopolitics. Who knew? These keyboard warriors are arrogantly holding their loans hostage, as if Biden resolving their self-inflicted financial woes is contingent on him waving a magic wand and creating peace in one of the world’s most intractable conflicts. The entitlement is astounding!

“I’ve got $50,000 in debt, so obviously my opinion on Israel-Palestine is the only one that matters,” scoffed one commenter, conveniently forgetting they voluntarily took on loans to major in underwater basket weaving.

Regime Change or Bust: Biden’s Loan Plan Ignites Firestorm of Unrelated Demands

Inspired by this baseless quid pro quo, other voters are piling on with their crazy conditions: “Forgive my loans or send troops to overthrow the government of Whereverstan!”
“I’ll take loan relief in exchange for a US-led coup in Nowhereia!” “Wipe out my debt and nuke the locusts ravaging East Randomania’s turnip crop!”

Tech titan Elongated Muskrat enthusiastically joined the fray, declaring: “I’ll personally pay off everyone’s loans if Biden makes me Emperor of Mars! Haha, just kidding…unless…? 👀”

At this rate, solving the debt crisis might be a cakewalk compared to placating these petulant plaintiffs. We should crowdsource all foreign policy decisions to them – after all, their student debt makes them qualified to solve any global quandary!