Pardon Express Lane: Texas Rolls Out Justice-While-You-Wait!

In a groundbreaking innovation for the justice system, Texas Governor Greg Abbott has introduced the “Pardon Express Lane,” where convicted felons can receive a full pardon faster than ordering a burger. Daniel Perry, who was convicted of killing Black Lives Matter protester Garrett Foster, was the first to benefit from this new expedited service, walking free within an hour of the proclamation.

Justice Served Hot and Fresh

Imagine the convenience! No more tedious court procedures or waiting for appeals. With the Pardon Express Lane, justice is now served hot and fresh, with all the efficiency of a fast-food joint. “I couldn’t believe it,” said a bewildered bystander. “One moment, Perry was looking at 25 years, and the next, he was out faster than my McNuggets.”

Governor Abbott, ever the innovator, has streamlined the process to ensure that justice aligns perfectly with political expediency. “Texas has one of the strongest ‘Stand Your Ground’ laws,” Abbott declared, “and now we have the fastest pardons in the West!” It’s rumored that Abbott plans to expand this service, offering a “Justice Value Menu” featuring other quick fixes for legal woes.

“Finally, justice served like it should be: fast, efficient, and without any pesky questions,” remarked a conservative commentator. “Why waste time on trials when you can have a side of freedom with your freedom fries?”

Victim’s Family Left Waiting

While Perry enjoys his newfound freedom, Garrett Foster’s family remains in a state of shock. “This is a travesty,” said Foster’s partner, Whitney Mitchell. “Governor Abbott has shown that to him, only certain lives matter.” It’s a harsh reminder that, in this new system, some customers will always be left waiting.

Adam S. Marks, CFO of Politically Incorrect Social Responsibility, chimed in with his usual wit: “This is why I love America. Where else can you microwave justice and serve it with a plastic sword? Abbott’s got it down to an art form. Next up, we’re rolling out the ‘Appeals Through Apps’ service. Swipe right for a pardon, swipe left for 25 to life!”

In a world where speed often trumps substance, the Pardon Express Lane is a fitting symbol of our times. As Texans revel in this new era of drive-thru justice, one can’t help but wonder: what’s next on the menu?