Putin’s Playbook: A Guide to Authoritarian Rule for Dummies

Putin’s Playbook: A Guide to Authoritarian Rule for Dummies

After conducting an exclusive 11-hour interview with Russian President Vladimir Putin, the beloved “For Dummies” series of instructional references reveals the secret sauce to Putin’s iron-fisted rule. The book, titled Putin’s Playbook: A Guide to Authoritarian Rule for Dummies, serves up a smorgasbord of tactics that would make Machiavelli blush and George Orwell spin in his grave.

Putin’s Way

“Authoritarian rule isn’t just about rigging elections or silencing the press,” quips Marcus Stadelmann, Putin’s interviewer and author of the book. “It’s an art form, akin to ballet, but with more surveillance and less tutus.”

As you delve into the playbook, you can’t help but notice Stadelmann’s quotes of axioms Putin tells himself every day, such as:

To maintain a grip that’s both firm and slick,

Ensure your critics always disappear quick.

The guide jests at the absurdity of its own advice, citing Gallop polls which rank citizens’ susceptibility to propaganda. According to Gallop, the key to a successful dictatorship is a populace with the memory of a goldfish and the critical thinking skills of a toaster.

Putin Pumping out Memes

In an unexpected twist, the playbook advises would-be autocrats to invest in a state-of-the-art meme factory. “In the digital age, a well-crafted meme is mightier than the sword,” states Stadelmann.

The guide ties back to its ludicrous premise with a recommendation so bizarre it just might work (or not). “The final step to cementing your rule,” it declares, “is to commission a space laser capable of inscribing your face on the moon. Because nothing says ‘supreme leader’ like a lunar selfie.” We can only assume Putin let the final step in his plan slip to Stadelmann on purpose.

So there you have it, folks. Putin’s playbook, decoded at last. Whether you’re an aspiring dictator or just a curious bystander, remember: in the game of global thrones, it’s either rule or be ruled. But maybe, just maybe, aim for a democracy instead. After all, a government of the people, by the memes, for the memes, shall not perish from the Earth.