Top 3 Genius Solutions to Survive America’s Record-Breaking Heatwave

Top 3 Genius Solutions to Survive America’s Record-Breaking Heatwave

As America faces a record-breaking heatwave threatening 130 million people, we’ve compiled a list of foolproof survival tips that are guaranteed to keep you cool, or at least distract you from the impending climate catastrophe.

Personal Portable Ice Age

Why settle for air conditioning when you can carry your own ice age? Simply stuff your pockets with dry ice and enjoy your personal polar vortex. Side effects may include frostbite and an overwhelming desire to hunt woolly mammoths.

Heatwave Denial Therapy

Can’t stand the heat? Just pretend it doesn’t exist! Our patented Heatwave Denial Therapy involves repeatedly chanting “It’s just a little warm” while sitting in a sauna. Soon, 100°F will feel like a brisk autumn day!

Outsource Your Sweating

Why sweat when you can pay someone else to do it for you? Our new app, “SweatR,” connects you with professional sweaters who’ll perspire on your behalf. It’s like Uber, but for bodily functions!

Expert Advice from Guru OG Tritium

To get an insider’s perspective on these revolutionary heat-beating techniques, we contacted Guru Og Tritium, PISR’s very own Content Moderator. He offered this profound insight: “Heatwave, cold wave, whatever, man. Just chill out and let the colors on the wall guide you. Wu Tang!”

In conclusion, while these groundbreaking solutions may not actually save you from the scorching heat, they’ll certainly take your mind off the fact that we’re all slowly baking on this giant cosmic cookie sheet we call Earth. Stay cool, America!