Russia Unveils Latest Weapon: Earthquake-Triggered Volcanoes

In a shocking display of military might, Russia has demonstrated its latest weapon: earthquake-triggered volcanoes. Following a 7.0-magnitude earthquake off Russia’s east coast, the Shiveluch volcano erupted, sending an ash column 5 miles high. Western intelligence agencies are scrambling to understand how Russia has seemingly gained control over tectonic plates and magma chambers.

Putin’s Secret Volcano Control Program

Sources close to the Kremlin reveal that President Vladimir Putin has been secretly developing a program to harness the power of volcanoes for years. “We’ve always known Putin was playing with fire, but this is ridiculous,” quipped one anonymous NATO official.

Global Leaders React to Russia’s “Natural” Disaster Dominance

World leaders expressed concern over Russia’s apparent mastery of geological warfare. U.S. President Joe Biden stated, “I’ve dealt with a lot of hot air in my career, but this takes the cake.”

Volcanic Tourism Boom Expected

Despite the potential for global catastrophe, some entrepreneurs see opportunity. “I’m already planning ‘Eruption Excursions’ for thrill-seekers,” said Todd Bravestone, CEO of Extreme Vacations LLC.

Jeffrey Pesos, Director of E-Commerce Operations at PISR, couldn’t resist cashing in on the phenomenon: “We’ve just launched our new ‘Volcano-Proof Umbrella’ line. It’s perfect for those unexpected ash showers or lava drizzles. Buy now, and we’ll throw in a complimentary ‘I Survived Putin’s Volcano’ t-shirt!”

As the world grapples with Russia’s newfound geological supremacy, one thing is clear: Mother Nature has officially joined the arms race. Let’s just hope Putin doesn’t figure out how to weaponize rainbows next.