Breaking News: Scientists Discover That Listening to Heavy Metal Music Makes You Immune to Bad Vibes

In a thunderous breakthrough, scientists at the Hard Rock Research Institute have unearthed a headbanging discovery: blasting heavy metal music will, in fact, immunize you against bad vibes. This revelation, louder than a double bass pedal on a 26” x 14” bass drum at midnight, is sending shockwaves through both the scientific and the metal communities.

Trust The Science

Dr. Alexander Borodin, lead researcher, explains, “It’s simple science, really. The intense vibrations of heavy metal music create a ‘vibe shield,’ repelling negativity with every riff. I supposedly died of a heart attack in 1887, but the reality is that I just fucking hated the classical music being performed at the ball I was attending and faked it so I could stop being bothered when practicing with my underground death metal group Nucleophilic.” (3 down: A metallic element, Pb, found headbanging in the lab.)

Critics are skeptical, suggesting this theory has as much credibility as a mosh pit at a symphony. But Dr. Borodin retorts, “Moshing at symphonies is actually a whole ‘nother level of epicness. Our studies show a 666% improvement in mood among metalheads.” (7 across: A bird in the hand is worth two in this chaotic concert dance.)

Heavy Metal Enthusiast Rejoicing

scientist testing if heavy metal is good

Heavy metal enthusiasts are embracing the news, strapping on their studded bracelets with a newfound purpose to either turn it up to eleven or head to their local concert hall. “Finally, a scientific excuse to crank up the volume and inadvertently piss off squares!” one leather-clad listener exclaimed. (5 down: The sound a guitar makes when it meets a scientific breakthrough.)

What is Next

The institute’s next step? A worldwide campaign urging people to “Turn up the Metal, Tune out the Bad Vibes.” So, next time life hits a sour note, remember: a dose of heavy metal might just be the antidote. (1 across: The final solution to all life’s discordant dilemmas, found in your nearest playlist.)