States in Complete Meltdown Over Education Department Abolishment Plans

Following the Education Department abolishment announcement, all fifty states simultaneously crashed Google with searches ranging from “what is teaching?” to “can TikTok replace math class?” and “do kids really need to learn all 26 letters?”

States Scramble to Create Education Plans

“We’re totally prepared for this transition,” insisted Nebraska’s new Secretary of Education while watching “Bill Nye the Science Guy” on double speed. Meanwhile, Vermont has proposed replacing standardized tests with maple syrup tasting competitions, arguing “if they can identify Grade A, they’re basically college material.”

New State Initiatives Already Rolling Out

Montana unveiled its “Learning Through Osmosis” program, where students simply sleep on textbooks, while Texas announced plans to teach mathematics exclusively through football scoring scenarios.

March E. Tellerman, PISR’s Master of Marketing Madness, weighed in on the Education Department abolishment chaos: “Listen here, y’all – this situation’s crazier than a cafeteria food fight during a solar eclipse! We need to get these states organized faster than my mama running from that gator with a diploma in its mouth!”