Adolf Benito Zedong

Professional Experience

1. Dictator of Operations

   Politically Incorrect Social Responsibility | 2023 - Present

   • Maintained strict control over all website operations, ensuring everything runs as smoothly as a U-boat in enemy waters.
   • Directed the sale of numerous products supporting causes I’ve never even Googled, with a generous portion of proceeds going to charities (or so they tell me).
   • Overseen forums promoting what some might call “free speech”, as long as it aligns with my personal doctrine of digital domination.
   • Managed a team of satirical bloggers, despite having no clear understanding of what a blog actually is.
   • Established a creative contribution platform for users, allowing them the illusion of democracy and freedom under my tyrannical rule.

2. Marketing Maestro

   Totalitarian Trends Ltd. | 2010 - 2023

   • Dictated the digital narrative, ensuring our products and propaganda... I mean, promotional material, were second to none.
   • Led a team of creatives, driving them to perfection (or insanity, whichever came first) in pursuit of the ultimate marketing campaign.
   • Spearheaded the "Dictators' Choice" product line, featuring bestsellers like "Stalin's Must-Have Mustache Wax" and "Kim's Komfortable Kicks."

3. Editor-in-Chief

   The Onion | 1988 - 2010

   • Oversaw the publication of cutting-edge satirical content, demonstrating an uncanny ability to push boundaries while avoiding lawsuits.
   • Instituted a rigorous editing process, weeding out weak jokes and ensuring every punchline hit with the force of a totalitarian regime.
   • Cultivated a work environment where laughter was mandatory and failure was not an option (unless you wanted to find yourself on the next train to Siberia).
   • Left before the company relaxed on tyranny started to suck.

4. Quality Control Czar

   Flawless Facades Inc. | 1982 - 1988

   • Ensured our line of "Democracy in a Box" kits met the highest standards of hypocrisy and deception.
   • Conducted daily inspections of our "Authentic Replicas of Historical Dictator Mustaches" to guarantee maximum authenticity and itchiness.
   • Led workshops on "Maintaining Your Facade in the Face of Reality," helping our clients keep up appearances, no matter how absurd.

Education

• Self-taught in the arts of manipulation, propaganda, and web design (HTML and CSS only; JavaScript is for the bourgeoisie).

Skills

• Expert in contradiction and hypocrisy.

• Proficient in turning a blind eye to irony.

• Adept at feigning interest in social causes.

• Unparalleled ability to maintain a façade of benevolence while pursuing personal gain.

Hobbies

• Antique Autocracy Appraisal: Spending weekends scouring flea markets and online auctions for relics of regimes past. A proud owner of a "barely used" guillotine and a "like new" Iron Curtain.

• Digital Disguises: Creating and managing an array of online personas to infiltrate forums and social media groups, subtly spreading the gospel of satire (and occasionally sparking a digital revolt).

• Monologue Mastery: Perfecting the art of the soliloquy, ensuring that my speeches are equal parts inspiring, terrifying, and utterly perplexing.

• Bunker Beautification: Constantly rearranging my underground lair to achieve the perfect balance of efficiency, comfort, and dictatorial chic.

• Mustache Musing: A quest for the quintessential dictator mustache, a facial hair masterpiece that commands respect, instills fear, and, most importantly, complements my satirical style.

References

• Available upon request (but I wouldn’t bother; I’ve made sure they’ll only say good things).