Jeffrey Pesos

I'm rich, but pesos-rich, so not as rich as that dipshit dollars-rich Jeff Bezos that everyone confuses me with. I don't care about you unless you're giving me money or you have lots of money. I make sure our website runs like a well-oiled machine. And by "well-oiled machine” I mean a chainsaw dipped in coconut oil and delivered to your front door in 48 hours or less, but probably more like 72 hours if you're lucky. 

But seriously, in order for me to make money through tax claims, we've created social cause products that are top-notch made by professional children from a country I'm not legally allowed to know the name of. They'll make you look good and feel good, and I've been told that matters to poor people like you.  And as the sales guru, I make sure the checkout process is as smooth as possible so I don't have to pretend to care if you want a refund or just get the wrong product. 

I've been told our forums are all about free speech which freaked me out because I don't believe in things that are free. Turns out free speech isn't a financial transaction so have at it freeloaders. And I've been told we have blogs for people who have opinions and idea things. I charge people for my opinions and idea things so I'll leave that shit to less successful people.

As the Director of E-commerce Operations, I'm like a superhero of sales. Literally. I'm building an Iron Man suit so I can fight crime that I'll never actually wear outside my house because heroes don't get paid to save people. Also people dying and their relatives inheriting their crap is an important part of our economy and without economy, I'd be like someone who uses the websites I help build and I have nightmares about shit like that.