Roy Moss

Roy Moss Biography

To Whom it May Concern,

I'm Roy Moss, the Director of Information for this company that you've stumbled upon. I respect the power of information. If you're looking for someone who's tech-savvy, then you've come to the wrong place. I don't use computers. Don't trust them. In fact, I'm writing this on a typewriter from an undisclosed location in Alaska. I hand it off my communications to a courier who comes by once a month to make sure I'm not dead.

My job here is to make sure that all the information on the website is safe and could potentially survive nuclear fallout. I'm like a shepherd, protecting our flock of creative contributors and future cult leaders from the wolves of technology. And let me tell you wolves can be vicious. There's literally a pack of them stalking me as we speak because I'm old and decaying so they can easily track me.

Now, you might be wondering what I think about our products. I don't.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go worm a goat and test some bear traps. But before I go, let me leave you with a Scottish proverb: "The best laid schemes o' mice and men gang aft a-gley." Translation? No matter how well you plan, wolves are hungry and will side step bear traps to slaughter your most fuckable goat. Cheers!

Roy Moss Contact Information

Email
[email protected]

Professional Experience

Director of Information

Politically Incorrect Social Responsibility | 2023 - Present
- Spearheaded the "Bear-Proof" Information Security Program, ensuring data can survive a bear attack.
- Streamlined the company's courier communication system, improving document delivery from once every two months to once a month.
- Successfully stopped using computers entirely, setting an industry-leading precedent in low-tech data management.
Senior Data Analyst

Sasquatch Spotting Society | 2003 - 2023
- Led data collection and interpretation of Sasquatch sightings, becoming an industry leader in mythical creature analytics.
- Initiated a comprehensive re-training program for underperforming field spotters, improving alleged Sasquatch sighting reports by 150%.
Information Officer

Alpaca Farmers Association | 1998 - 2003
- Managed the association's information flow using carrier pigeons, revolutionizing rural animal husbandry communication.
- Implemented an information tracking system based on colored ribbons tied to alpaca fur, resulting in improved data accessibility.

Education

B.A. in Hermitology

University of Life's Hard Knocks | 1980 - 1984

Skills

Goat Worming: Advanced
Bear Trap Testing: Expert
Typewriter Operating: Master
Surviving Off-the-Grid: Legendary

Hobbies

Animal Husbandry
Handwritten Letters
Organic Beekeeping
Cryptic Proverbs
Nintendo Switch

References

Bobby the Courier: Only human contact. Might provide a word or two about my impeccable typewriting skills. He’s deaf though and a mute.
Ruth the Goat: My most articulate goat. Prone to hyperbole.
Local Wolfpack: Can attest to my trap-setting prowess. Communication may be difficult unless you speak fluent growl.