Samantha Bankwoman Freed
Financial ControllerSamantha Bankwoman Freed Biography
Hello out there, world! It's me, Samantha Bankwoman Freed, the financial controller of this website that's all about making a difference while having fun. I’m most definitely not transgendered SBF escaped from prison, so don’t even ask…
I may spend my days analyzing spreadsheets and crunching numbers, but let me tell you, I'm also really boring. When I'm not balancing budgets, I'm googling horses or watching Oscar nominated movies that didn't win. I most definitely never spent my time being the cuckolded supposed leader of an Imperial Haram.
Boring people are important though. If it wasn't for me, this website would just be funny and engaging, but it was my idea to donate some of the proceeds from our merchandise sales towards important philanthropic endeavors too. On top of that there are also contributions from our users - I'm always blown away by the time they're able to focus on creative things rather than becoming paralyzed by the vast and imminent darkness that comes after we all die.
When it comes to negotiating deals, I'm like a sloth that needs a nap - I will literally fall asleep in my chair until the other negotiator is so uncomfortable that they'll sign any document I give them and leave before I wake up. My spreadsheet skills are sharper than a freshly sharpened pencil, and I'm not afraid to use them to my advantage. When in doubt, I'll get it done. This is the end of what I have to say about myself.
Samantha Bankwoman Freed Contact Information
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Email
[email protected]
Professional Experience
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PoliticallyIncorrectSocialResponsibility.com
Financial Controller | 2023 - Present
- Implemented boring yet efficient financial policies, providing the necessary balance to our chaotic team.
- Negotiated deals using a revolutionary technique known as 'Sloth Style Negotiation', making even the hardest negotiators crumble under the weight of having to wake up a potential narcoleptic.
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Data and Doldrums
Senior Spreadsheet Analyst | 2022 - 2023
- Utilized advanced Excel skills to turn vast amounts of data into reports that put insomnia pills to shame.
- Held the unofficial title of "Most Likely to Live and Die in Their Sleep.”
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Deputy Financial Manager, Office of Yawns
Budget & Blah, LLC | 2020 - 2022
- Maintained financial systems that were less interesting than watching paint dry, ensuring the organization's funds were managed with an equally compelling level of excitement.
- Implemented a company-wide program encouraging fun facts about The Academy Awards as a competitive alternative to said excitement.
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Data Entry Specialist, Department of Dullness
Dreary Digitals, Inc. | 2018 - 2020
- Ensured high-level accuracy during the entry of incredibly mundane data, enhancing the efficiency of the company's filing system while causing colleagues to lose the will to live.
- Created and maintained spreadsheets. No punchline. Just kinda sad.
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Junior Accountant, Snooze & Snooze
Calm & Calculated, LLP | Pre-2018 - 2018
- Executed accounting tasks that inspired individual self-harm to make sure they were still alive.
- Specialized in tax returns for individuals who would never actually receive a tax return.
Education
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Bachelor of Accounting, Major in Monotone Professions with an emphasis on Women’s History
The University of Endless Data - 2016
Skills
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Taking control of finances like I wish I took control of my relationship with my mother.
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Balancing budgets while dreaming about horses.
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Crushing the spirit of impending existential darkness with boring financial reports.
Hobbies
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Indulging my love for Oscar-nominated films that didn't win.
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Learning more about horses.
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Seeking out documentaries about word fonts.
References
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Pretty much anyone I’m related to so they can avoid talking or spending time with me.