The Reluctant Republicans: Trump’s Tricky Primary Tango

The Reluctant Republicans: Trump’s Tricky Primary Tango

In a twist that’s as shocking as finding out your grandma is a secret salsa champion, Donald Trump cha-cha-cha’d his way through the Republican primaries on April 2, 2024, in Green Bay, Wisconsin. But hold your applause, folks! It seems not all Republicans were eager to join his dance troupe.

Despite being the only show in town, the former president and current king of political drama saw thousands of Republicans sit this one out, choosing not to cast their votes for him. It’s like being the prom king but realizing half the school didn’t show up to your coronation.

Trump, who’s been collecting delegates like they’re limited edition baseball cards, secured the Republican nomination last month. But even with all his rivals tapping out of the race, some moderate Republicans and fans of Nikki Haley (who bowed out gracefully) are still playing hard to get, swearing they’d rather eat their “Make America Great Again” hats than vote for Trump.

In a surprising turn of events that’s sure to spice up Trump’s Twitter feed, a chunk of Republicans in Wisconsin, Connecticut, New York, and Rhode Island decided to throw their support behind candidates who’ve already left the building. It’s like voting for Elvis in a modern music contest – a bold move that shows the anti-Trump vibe is alive and kicking within the GOP.

In Wisconsin, Trump managed to salsa his way to 78.9% of the Republican primary vote, with Haley shimmying behind at 12.8%, and Florida’s Governor Ron DeSantis barely making it onto the dance floor with 3.3%. Over in Connecticut, Trump twirled to 77.8% of the vote, with Haley once again playing catch-up at 14%.

But the Big Apple had a few sour grapes, as Trump lost around 20% of the vote, securing 82.1% to Haley’s 12.9%. And in Rhode Island, he waltzed away with 83.7% of the vote, leaving 10.6% for Haley. “A few sour grapes really stink up the wine,” stated PISR’s Jeffrey Pesos, who is the resident asshole of the conglomerate. “And yet, people keep lapping it up like it’s Dom Perignon. I don’t get it, but hey, to each their own.”

When Newsweek reached out to Trump’s team for a comment, we imagine they were too busy practicing their victory dance to respond.

As Trump gears up for the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee this July, one thing’s for sure: the GOP’s dance floor is getting crowded, and not everyone’s in step with the music.