Trump IVF Executive Order Promises “Only the Most Beautiful Babies”

The fertility industry entered uncharted territory today as Trump’s IVF executive order declared “mandatory luxury upgrades” for all American embryos. The former president, sporting a lab coat over his signature suit, announced the “Make America Procreate Again” initiative while touring a facility he repeatedly called “the baby factory.”

The Art of the Baby Deal

“Nobody knows babies like me, folks. I’ve seen babies – the best babies. This Trump IVF executive order will make sure every American gets a baby that’s at least a 9 out of 10,” Trump declared, while staffers quietly removed a “Build-A-Baby Workshop” banner from the podium.

Adam S. Marks, CFO of PISR, weighed in: “This is like happy hour for embryos – everybody gets a two-for-one special! Though personally, I’d rather have the two-for-one Long Island iced teas.”

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The program promises “luxury chromosomes” and a “tremendous genetic package.” When asked about funding, Trump assured reporters it would be “totally free, very beautiful, and Mexico will pay for it.”