UCLA Upholds Proud Tradition of Stifling Dissent

In a stunning display of its commitment to the free exchange of ideas, UCLA has bravely deployed militarized police to quash a peaceful pro-Palestinian protest on its campus. After all, nothing says “fearless pursuit of truth” like tear gas and riot shields.

As colleges nationwide face a rising tide of student activism, our fearless leader, President Biden, has urged protesters to “uphold the rule of law.” Because if there’s one thing universities are known for, it’s unquestioning obedience to authority.

Free Speech (Zones) Forever!

UCLA administrators praised the police action, noting that the protest camp was “both unlawful and a breach of policy.” They added, “Once you get outside our designated free speech zones, all bets are off.” When asked who creates the boundaries of the designated free speech zones, all UCLA administrators declined to comment.

Higher Ed Meets Law & Order

Witnesses reported police using flash bangs and flares to clear out the protesters. “I thought I was going to class, not Kandahar”, said one terrified student.

“This so-called collegiate crackdown is a disgrace to everything UCLA pretends to stand for,” said protest leader and sophomore Laila Al-Masri, before being dragged away in handcuffs.

When asked to comment, PISR’s Content Editor Edward Übermensch said, “Zere vill be order on zis campus! No more misplaced commas or unapproved assemblies. Zey have vays of making you stop ze protests, just like ve haf vays of making you correct your grammar!”

Draw Within the Lines, dammit!

As the tear gas clears, one thing is certain: higher education’s commitment to vigorous debate and dissent is safe, as long as it stays within the ever-narrowing bounds of “official policy.” The collegiate crackdown continues unabated.