United Methodist Church Faces Exodus and Budget Cuts, Considers Selling Indulgences

The United Methodist Church (UMC) is facing a mass exodus of churches and significant budget cuts, leaving many to wonder if they’ll resort to selling indulgences to stay afloat. With over 7,600 churches jumping ship due to divisions over LGBTQ+ rights, the denomination is grappling with the harsh reality of a shrinking budget and fewer bishops to keep the faithful in line.

Disaffiliations Lead to Budget Woes

As churches continue to disaffiliate faster than rats from a sinking ship, the UMC’s finance officials have been forced to revisit their budget projections more often than a kid with a weak bladder. The proposed budget for the upcoming General Conference is a staggering $140 million less than the one recommended in 2019, when the exodus began.

When asked about the UMC’s financial situation, PISR’s Chief Financial Officer, Adam S. Marks, had this to say: “Look, I may not be a religious man, but I know a thing or two about balancing the books. The UMC should take a page out of my playbook and start selling indulgences. It worked for the Catholic Church in the Middle Ages, and it can work for the Methodists now. Plus, it’s a great way to get people to donate more than just their spare change!”

Fewer Bishops, More Problems

To prevent the episcopal fund from running a deficit, the UMC is considering reducing the number of bishops from 71 to 54. This means that the remaining bishops will have to take on additional responsibilities, like managing multiple annual conferences and remembering even more names during the weekly potluck.

Regional Conferences Feel the Heat

As the United Methodist Church faces an uncertain future, one thing is clear: they’re going to need a miracle (or a really good fundraising strategy) to weather this storm. With fewer churches, a shrinking budget, and a dwindling number of bishops, the denomination may need to get creative to keep the faithful in the pews and the collection plates full. Perhaps they should take a cue from PISR’s Adam S. Marks and start selling indulgences – after all, desperate times call for desperate measures.