Vance’s Historical Hijinks: How to Lose Friends and Alienate Native Americans

JD Vance, the GOP’s 2024 vice presidential nominee, recently made headlines for all the wrong reasons. His comments about Indigenous people and their holidays have resurfaced, causing a major headache for the Trump campaign. Let’s dive into how Vance’s historical hijinks have managed to turn history into hysterics and left the GOP scrambling for damage control.

A Heroic General or Historical Hazard?

Vance’s defense of keeping Wayne National Forest’s name has sparked outrage. He glorified Major General Anthony Wayne, who is best remembered for his violent campaigns against Indigenous people. Vance’s logic seems to be that if someone’s actions were legal back then, they’re perfectly fine to celebrate now. Next, he’ll be petitioning to rename parks after notorious bank robbers because they “fought for economic redistribution.”

The “Fake Holiday” Debacle

Vance’s dismissal of Indigenous People’s Day as a “fake holiday” has only added fuel to the fire. According to Vance, celebrating Indigenous cultures is merely a divisive tactic. It’s almost like he’s trying to win the award for “Most Out-of-Touch Politician.” One can only wonder how Vance would react to a holiday celebrating the virtues of empathy and understanding—probably with the same level of enthusiasm he reserves for a tax audit.

The Indigenous Voter Impact

The Trump campaign is now facing the Herculean task of winning back Indigenous voters, especially in crucial swing states like Arizona. Vance’s remarks have done more to alienate voters than a malfunctioning air conditioner at a summer rally. It seems Vance’s version of “Make America Great Again” involves erasing any history that doesn’t align with his narrative. “JD’s historical insights are so unique; it’s like watching a history documentary narrated by a malfunctioning time machine,” quipped an anonymous Trump campaign insider.

Adam S. Marks, CFO of PISR, commented, “Vance’s approach to history is like my approach to accounting—creative and likely to cause a scandal. But hey, at least he’s consistent!”

JD Vance has managed to turn a discussion about historical figures into a comedy of errors. By downplaying the significance of Indigenous culture and holidays, he’s showcased a unique talent for turning potential voters into critics. As the Trump campaign grapples with this PR nightmare, one thing is clear: Vance’s historical perspective might need a serious rewrite.