Breaking News: Voter Who Had Cereal for Breakfast Could Decide Election

In a shocking turn of events, recent polls have revealed that the outcome of the upcoming presidential election between Kamala Harris and Donald Trump may hinge on the breakfast choices of a single voter in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Political analysts are scrambling to make sense of this groundbreaking development that threatens to upend conventional wisdom about electoral politics.

The Breakfast Factor

According to the latest CBS News/YouGov survey, voters who consume sugary cereals are 0.0001% more likely to support Trump, while those who prefer bran flakes lean slightly towards Harris. “We’ve never seen anything like this before,” exclaimed famed political scientist Francis Fukuyama. “The cereal bowl has become the new crystal ball of election forecasting.”

Cognitive Health and Meme Warfare

The poll also revealed that voters are increasingly concerned about the candidates’ cognitive health, as measured by their ability to create viral TikTok content. Harris currently leads in this category, with her “Dougie for Democracy” dance challenge gaining traction among voters aged 65 and up.

The Twitter Tango

Meanwhile, Trump’s social media strategy has taken an unexpected turn. “We’re seeing a surge in support among voters who exclusively communicate in emojis,” noted social media expert Jennifer Stromer-Galley. “Trump’s latest tweet, consisting solely of a peach, an eggplant, and an American flag, has resonated deeply with this crucial demographic.”

The Great Demographic Divide

As the race tightens, both campaigns are laser-focused on micro-targeting increasingly specific voter groups. Harris has made significant gains among left-handed, gluten-intolerant millennials who own exactly two houseplants, while Trump maintains a strong lead with right-handed Gen Xers who still use AOL email addresses.

March E. Tellerman, Master of Marketing Madness at Politically Incorrect Social Responsibility, weighed in on the campaigns’ strategies: “It’s like a big, beautiful, Thanksgiving turkey filled with love and madness, baby! We’ve got Harris courting the ‘Netflix and chill’ crowd, while Trump’s going after the ‘Amazon Prime and commit light treason’ demographic. It’s anybody’s game!”

As Election Day approaches, one thing is clear: the only poll that truly matters is the one that happens in the voting booth. Unless, of course, that booth happens to be within a 5-mile radius of a Waffle House, in which case all bets are off.