Wealthy Californians in Meltdown as State Bans Their Legacy College Admissions Cheat Code

Wealthy Californians in Meltdown as State Bans Their Legacy College Admissions Cheat Code

In a move that has sent shockwaves through the gold-plated halls of California’s elite, Governor Gavin Newsom has signed AB 1780, banning legacy admissions at private colleges. Suddenly, the state’s wealthy Californians in meltdown facing their worst nightmare: their children might have to earn their college spots based on—gasp—merit!

Universities Scramble to Redefine “Merit” as “Money”

Stanford University, upon hearing the news, reportedly had to Google what “merit” meant. A spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “We’re excited about this new era of meritocracy. We’re already working on a new ‘Merit Endowment Fund’ where parents can donate their child’s, uh, academic achievements.”

USC Introduces “Hypothetical Legacy” Program

Not to be outdone, USC has unveiled its innovative “Hypothetical Legacy” program. “It’s simple,” explained Admissions Director Ivana Loophole. “If your parents hypothetically attended USC in an alternate universe, you’re in!”

Santa Clara University Offers “Merit Enhancement Retreats”

Santa Clara University, always ahead of the curve, now offers exclusive “Merit Enhancement Retreats” in the Cayman Islands. “It’s amazing how a week in our offshore study paradise can boost a student’s GPA,” winked Dean Cash Greenberg.

Jeffrey Pesos, Director of E-Commerce Operations at Politically Incorrect Social Responsibility, lamented, “As someone who makes money through tax claims, I’m appalled. How am I supposed to write off my kid’s college tuition as a ‘charitable donation’ now? This is an attack on the American Dream… my American Dream!”

Rich Parents Frantically Google “How to Make My Kid Smart Overnight”

Boot Camp” with their bewildered children]

The new law has led to a surge in sales of books like “SAT Prep for the Chronically Privileged” and “How to Pretend You’re Not Rich: A Guide for the 1%.” One desperate parent was overheard saying, “I’ve already hired three Nobel laureates as tutors. If little Chadwick doesn’t get into Stanford now, I’ll have to buy the whole university!”

As California bans legacy college admissions, we’re witnessing a seismic shift in higher education. Who knows? In a few years, college campuses might be filled with students who actually want to learn, rather than those who just want to extend their gap year. The horror!