Williams’ ‘Alternate Facts’ Skyrockets Ratings: “Truth Was So Last Season!”

Williams’ ‘Alternate Facts’ Skyrockets Ratings: “Truth Was So Last Season!”

In a groundbreaking move that has sent shockwaves through the journalism world, veteran news anchor Brian Williams has launched a new segment called “Alternate Facts.” The segment, which promises to deliver news that’s “like real news, but more exciting,” has seen ratings soar faster than Elongated Muskrat’s space car on Martian steroids. It seems alternate facts boost ratings like nothing else!

The New Era of News: Facts Optional

Williams, sporting a new t-shirt that reads “Reality is Overrated,” kicked off the segment with a bang.

“Breaking news: The moon has declared independence from Earth and is now accepting citizenship applications,” he announced with a straight face.

Viewers were treated to an exclusive interview with the moon’s newly appointed ambassador, a wheel of aged cheddar wearing a tiny spacesuit and top hat. 

Fact-Checkers on Suicide Watch

Sources report that fact-checkers nationwide have been admitted to hospitals in droves, suffering from severe cases of cognitive dissonance and carpal tunnel syndrome from non-stop facepalming. “We’ve given up,” said one anonymous fact-checker. “It’s like trying to nail jelly to a wall while the jelly insists it’s filet mignon and you’re the crazy one.”

Viewers Embrace ‘Choose Your Own Reality’ Approach

Surprisingly, audiences have embraced the new format more enthusiastically than a starving man at an all-you-can-eat buffet. “It’s so refreshing,” gushed Sarah Thompson, a loyal viewer. “I used to worry about silly things like ‘truth’ and ‘accuracy,’ but now I can just believe whatever tickles my fancy. Did you know that calories don’t count if you eat them while skydiving? Brian Williams said so!”

Social media has exploded with the hashtag #AlternateFactsForTheWin, as users gleefully share their own ludicrous “news” stories. Twitter user @TruthIsOverrated posted, “Breaking: Scientists reveal the Earth is actually a giant donut, with the North Pole as the hole. #GlazedAndConfused #AlternateFactsForTheWin” 

Adam S. Marks, Chief Financial Officer at PISR, couldn’t contain his excitement about the new trend: “This ‘Alternate Facts’ craze is pure genius! It’s like mixing tequila, Red Bull and pixie dust – sure, it might make you believe you’re a unicorn, but damn if it doesn’t make life more interesting! We’re launching our own line of ‘Reality Optional’ products. Screw truth, we’re chasing that sweet, sweet alternate facts boost ratings high!”

As we go to press, Brian Williams was last seen preparing for his next segment, “News from Parallel Universes,” by attempting to interview his own reflection in a funhouse mirror. One thing’s for sure – with alternate facts boosting ratings like never before, the truth has never been more out of style.